‘Madame Web’ Review: A Mangled Web of Mind-Boggling Misfires

A recent rumor had it that Dakota Johnson was upset after being led to believe that Madame Web was a part of Marvel Studios’ infamous cinematic universe; that her hero would be alongside the likes of Captain America, Iron Man, and obviously, Spider-Man. Instead, of course, she’s stuck with Morbius… yeah. It’d be hard to blame her.

Unfortunately, this spider-spinoff is a lot closer to Morbius than it is just about anything in the MCU. Whether or not that rumor is true, it seems unlikely that Johnson’s Madame Web will ever spin another web again, in the wake of meager (to say the least) box office projections and an abysmal response from critics all ‘round. Johnson isn’t at fault, not by a long-shot; if anything, she stands out as a good pick among a flurry of flagrant misfires. Madame Web, in committing to the mangled vision Sony has set out for their superhero universe thus far, falls in line with all the other shoddy releases under that umbrella. It’s a madame miss.

To be clear, though, it isn’t as bad as Morbius. Even if that isn’t saying much, Madame Web deserves credit for succeeding where it did. The cast is probably the strongest element here; beyond Johnson, Sydney Sweeney leads a trio of misfit teens, accompanied by Celeste O’Conner and the recently dubbed Hawkgirl, Isabela Merced, all of whom do a solid job. 

The four together end up creating a relatively compelling main crew, even spurring a few moments of surprising character development and intrigue. In a screenplay defined by blunder after blunder, that sort of thing is worth writing home about. Adam Scott as Uncle Ben is as genius as it sounds, and Emma Roberts is as easily compelling as ever. Yet these positives often suffocate under the weight of the negatives that dominate the rest of the script which, again, is terribly confusing.

There is no consistent structure here. The film ambles along, never aimless yet almost always lost, nonetheless. The story speeds up, slows down, and sometimes even forgets to happen at all; there is the occasional respectable beat, a string of such coming towards the end of the second act (the diner sequence comes to hand), but those bits aren’t enough to revive this thing, not even close. Quite simply, there’s a blatant lack of direction on the page, and if you look a little closer, it unfortunately isn’t surprising.

The duo of screenwriters behind Madame Web also penned, in addition to Morbius: Gods of Egypt, The Last Witch Hunter, and Dracula Untold. Those names being mentioned are enough to get the point across; this may have been doomed from the start.

This is a movie made to please an audience that doesn’t exist; at least, not anymore.

The best that can be said about Madame Web is that, at least, it’s rarely boring. Whether that be for the right or wrong reasons, purposeful fun or accidental entertainment (the sort of irony Sony’s superhero universe has patented), there’s always something to react to. It sort of plays out, at times, like an exaggerated, long-form version of the kind of social media content that commands endless hours of scrolling from millions of users. Something is moving across the screen, even when nothing is really happening. That both sort of works for this film and is also a bad omen for cinematic entertainment to come; thankfully, Madame Web isn’t setting any standards. 

In the same vein, this is a movie made to please an audience that doesn’t exist; at least, not anymore. There are scattered shades of the Twilight and Final Destination stuff in here, outdated tendencies clashing with the worst inclinations of modern blockbusters. When the dust settles, the scene is a dire mess. Inspirations and influences are torn up and left unrecognizable; Madame Web doesn’t want to be its own thing, it wants to be your thing, everyone’s thing. Of course, as it most often goes, in trying to please everyone, the film ends up missing all marks, unlikely to work for anyone at all.

S.J. Clarkson is doing her best in the director’s chair, even still. There’s far too much going on visually to stop and pick things apart, but Clarkson does dwell on the details when she can, and really, the film doesn’t look that bad. In comparison to the recently released Argylle (which makes a point to punch your eyeballs every chance it gets) it actually looks pretty good. The camera moves plenty and most scenes are clearly lit with intention. Clarkson was clearly trying to outlast the screenplay, and even if she does too much as a result, the effort is commendable nonetheless. 

If you walk out of Madame Web with a little smile on your face, don’t beat yourself up; there is some fun to be had here. Where Morbius failed to entertain at all, Madame Web somewhat succeeds. Still, in just about every other manner beyond plain entertainment, this one is a non-starter. In a few months time, it’ll likely be buried below inevitably better films on the years’ slate still to come. If Sony doesn’t have a hit in Kraven the Hunter, they may be forced to reevaluate their superhero universe from here on out, regardless of what Venom 3 may bring. Where do we go from here? Nobody is quite sure, but no matter what, it definitely isn’t spider-hunting in the Amazon.

Madame Web is now playing in cinemas worldwide.

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